The smile that was hidden from his face for experiencing uncomfortable journey, has been many time actually but this time was really destructing the feelings for so long and deciding to disconnect from self to world. 

In one morning I was making up my face just as usual day looking at my self in the front of mirrors by questioning "How could have that had happened?", then just sitting down with heads down not-in-a-good feelings. Goodly, in a weekend that none nor nothing in rush, but heart. To tone down this heartbeat so that I walked downstairs to get a cup of hot tea if only the thing I always rely on any situation. Back at it again to sit down on my seat to relax the leg, laying down my shoulder and putting cottony pillow on back head. Above my head to re-think again and again to blame my self up, it was just torturing the feelings.

Right after opening the window and doors to see the sun with a fresh air entering my nose, however the heart still beating quicker and faster, in my conscious mind knowing that I have been living with a good and wealth-enough condition, yet something small empty questionable remark stays inside this heart. I only can express to punch the disappointment emotion inside, to ensure they were gone. Still trying to kick those negatives by accepting that this realities was not a mistake, but lesson. There has been a disaster coming in a way to destruct for a while, whilst I was not on aware mode.

Going this or there had helped me up to erase the uncomfortable feelings additionally were no longer asking why and why. In my spiritual journey I could express as much as I can like crying the most, similarly to put my body down for a while, then ultimately to lay my heart up in a secured place that none can touch. Like self-medical-check-up routines in spite of I am doing a self reflection to see it from head to toe, to check what's not good, what was good already. Sometimes just missed to check which to fix or which to make it stay. I have got the answer that throwing me to Zero again (and many times), was not that bad. It was just balancing back to the centre, and ready to kick high upper again and again. No way just knowing this concept lately, that instead of Zero, there is a minus.

Living the life that where the God will guide, very questionable. After years finding out what I would like to achieve this life to understand better what mission I brought. Stepping deeper thoroughly thereafter knowing my self and itself to cleave apart the wrinkle. I do enjoy the journey. Still have no idea why laughter was a consistent reaction beside through all roller coaster ride feelings. The smiley boy that has been no longer shown his face for a while. Accepting is hard, but do I have a better option?

In last several months have been very comfortable in any ways. I already chinned the face up to stare onward with a lighter eyes additionally with more calm breathing. God just poured me sometimes sweet, sometimes savoury, or sometimes sour. It was just really and more comfortable after those had happened.  

In a night, looking back to the mirrors with different thought by realizing that what I see as a disaster continuously was actually not. Walking down to outside staring at the Moon, laughing again and again. How stupid it was. Laughing at my self, why do I take uncomfortable feelings that long and how was I consistently that influenced. I am now accepting those concepts, when God put me in some situation, it was good for my self. Never been any happier to my feelings now. No better feeling I can explain nor express. It is just it is. The smiley boy gets back at its default again.