Kid, it has been years you have not known that you are incomplete. As an older brother, who cannot stay along beside you when you awake alone in every morning. Who failed to feed you when you are hungry. Who does not hear your voice when you are crying. Who is not able to give you a hug when you are scared. And who had never said goodbye when I was going to leave.

I bet you, many of them have asked someone who you do not know who is she. They told many good stories about person you haven't heard her name before. Do not listen to them. Just please disregard them, at least until you grown up. You are too fragile to know what have happened. Though, days to come does not promise to get you any stronger. Till you are ready to discover what the reality is.

Ready for having breakfast!

I know you are frightened when the storm hit, there is no warmth shoulder to lean your fear on. I know you are distracted when you wake up, but none beside you. And I only am be able do nothing from here, distance divided us. It was like I am having affairs with parallel universe when I recall you, and ended worrying you extremely. But kid, I see your confusion. I come and go without alert. When I suddenly come home, you were just staring at me and flustered. You took a while to be conscious, I read your thought saying like "Is he really coming? Is he?" then you just got excited when you realize that it was me, you are not dreaming, kid! It was me! And you finally messed my face up. You touch my nose and my hair, making sure that you meet person you want to see so badly then you kissed me a lot. I recognize your facial showed me how you mad and happy at me in the same time, then you put smile on your face with excitement.

Beside you, I drove where you find remote control car you like a lot. I was involved to choose a pair of apparels which suit on you. I bought you Donuts you like the most. I paid what I owed on you. 

 Kondangan dressed!

I am sorry for making you get confused. You have never known what adults faced in life, when people are considering too much to choose which one is better. Because option on getting adults was not as simple as choosing the red or blue toycars. I am sorry for never talking to you in a phone, it will just waste my tears to hear your voice. I was just always not ready to say "Hello" as hard as saying "Goodbye" to you. I could not handle if you were screaming at me when I have to go. It will be even worse for me to see your face on farewell, I can't. Then I always decide to disappear from you, and what I know is nothing, whether you are crying out to find me or not. At least I don't feel guilty on you. It is better, I think.

In this your 3rd birthday, I am sorry for not home. For not bringing you cake, for not teaching you how to slice a cake in a good way. I realized that I am not a good brother. And this is your second time that no Mama beside you when you blow birthday candle. And you unluckily only have once an opportunity to celebrate your birthday with Mama, no any longer.

I always wish the best for you, and keep getting stronger, kid! Stay active and talkactive! In the near future when you are bigger, I hope you to read this and make you sure that I never leave you.